Friday, August 22, 2008
Calling all moms...I need help
This is really hard for me to admit. I've taken so many child development, psychology, human development, and other classes. I've spent years working with kids and adults with behavioral problems. I always thought I would be the best mom, and know exactly how to handle every situation... well I am having issues right now with Kaemon. Don't get me wrong, he's the sweetest little boy, he's very affectionate, sweet, kind, and polite even. The past week he has been acting out SO BAD!! He throws his food all over the floor and enjoys when I get mad and make him clean it up, he throws everything-I'm not joking. He loves to throw things at people, he loves the scared reaction they give. The worst thing is that he has been hurting Eli. Just in the past couple days he has thrown a metal ladle at Eli's head and it cut his head open, hit him (many times), kicked him, hit him with a baseball bat, threw the camcorder at his face, and threw the remote at his face. I know I need to find a way to discipline him that works for him and then we need to be consistent with it, I just don't know what step to take next. If anyone has any ideas, please please tell me. I don't want my child to be the bully on the playground!
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12 comments:
Wow, I'm so sorry, Lori. I will try to give you some advice, but I've never had to deal with that, so I hope I can help.
You need to find some kind of discipline that works for him. Make sure he feels bad about what he has done and apoligizes to you or to Eli for whatever he has done. Do you try time-outs? That always works with my kids, but it might not work with Kaemon. Sorry I'm not much help.
That's the worst I bet Lor, I'm so sorry! Just so you know I think that you're an awesome mom and I really look up to you and hope that I can be a mom like you. Your motherhood skills and knowledge have always been something that I've so much admired so don't be too hard on yourself :)
Anywho, I know I'm not a mom yet and I have hardly any experience except for babysitting, etc. so maybe this is dumb that I'm even commenting but one show that I like to watch is Super Nanny, I know, I'm so cool :) The episode this week though was about a little boy who was acting out a ton and was hitting and stuff and Jo (the nanny) used this discipline technique where the boy had his own fishbowl filled with little colored ping pong balls and if he acted out he would get a ball taken away and if he went a while without acting out or did something good he would get a ball, etc. etc.
I don't know if Kaemon is too young for something like that but a type of reward/consequence system was the only thing that I could think of, sorry that's probably horrible advice but I just thought that I should post that :) Call me if you ever need anything my friend!
For starters, try to relax. I have given myself headaches and stomach problems worrying about something that was just a stage. Try to find some quiet time to step back and think about the big picture. I don't think he will turn into the bully because you are a concerned parent willing to do the hard stuff!
Now, it sounds like he is testing to see how much control he has over you, specifically your emotions. Every one of our children has tested this many times over. They also want to know that no matter what they do you will love them. So don't forget the hugs, kisses and "I love you"s after the consequences.
Try to stay calm and know what the consequence should be before he does anything. For his age, the consequences should come immediately after the action. And we always try to get them to identify what they did wrong and talk about what they should do next time.
Time out has worked for us except with Emma. She has a hard time staying on the mat. In the past we have held her still but that seemed makes us the bad guys instead of them dealing with consequences of their own actions. Ive been thinking about doing what my SIL did. She just brought in the car seat and buckled them in. When he is hurting others, he definitly needs to be removed from the situation.
Positive reinforcement is important too so that you are not just focused on the negative. I have many charts, jars, fake money etc. I have had to change reward systems frequently to keep their interest. The key is to find a reward they will work for. Keep it simple, especially while he is young. There is no instruction manual (though we all wish there were). Realize you will have to creatively reinvent the wheel many times with each child because they are all different. I read a great book called "Parenting with Love and Logic" which has some great strategies to use in moderation.
Try to be patient and know that you are working towards the person they can be and that doesn't happen in just one day. If you need to borrow anything or just need someone to cry and whine to, feel free.
Wow! that was long! Just remember, no matter how together someone seems, there are no perfect parents or perfect kids. We are all dealing with something!
my advice is ignore my advice and follow everyone elses! You will probably get a lot farther that way since I have never raised a child. However, I do have one bit of advice about discipline, since you are asking. Whatever the method you choose, make sure both you and Rory agree to it and are committed to it. When I got spanked by my Dad, my Mom would get really mad at him. This showed me that my mom was the soft one and I could get away with more stuff. It also made me insecure in regards to their relationship.
Anyway, that is my only advice. Be one in your method of discipline.
Good luck and this too shall pass.
Josh
Sorry Lori! It looks like Kaemon is entering the terrible two stage. Hunter is there too so I really feel for you. When Hunter is naughty we put him in the corner and make him stay there for 2 minutes. If he won't stay in the corner he gets locked in his room for 2 minutes which he hates and cries the whole time. I give him a warning first, and then if he does the naughty thing again I look him in the eyes, tell him what he did wrong, and place him in the corner or his room. When the 2 minutes is up I tell him again what he did wrong and make him say sorry. Maybe that would work for Kaemon? I think that 2 (or close to 2) has to be the hardest age! They test their limits so much and it makes being a Mom so hard sometimes.
I have also found that the more I take Hunter places and keep him active the better he behaves when we are at home having down time. I hope this helps a little!
This might be helpful http://www.free-toddlers-activity-and-discipline-guide.com/toddlers-discipline-guarded.html .
(I'm a friend of Jared and Camille Backstrand, from Croatia (Eastern Europe) where Jared served his mission. I hope you don't mind me peeking a bit, there's a link to your blog on their blog).
My daughter is only 8 months old, so I can't help you on this much, but I do know getting mad makes it worse. My sister used to have tantrums every day, was bad in school, but in the end achieved more than anyone on both sides of the family. Keep the faith.
With regards,
Živana
Wow, I wish I had some advice to offer you. It looks like you've gotten some great advice so far, I'm going to borrow some :). Shiloh has started testing a little bit, but I'm sure it won't hit full swing 'til he's Kaemon's age or so. I'll definitely be calling you when the time comes; it's so nice having someone be now where I'll be about a year from now. We'll find out Tuesday what we're having. I'm still thinking boy. Can't wait to know for sure, though, now that all the clearance sales on baby clothes are over! Boooo! :) PS I think if Kaemon weren't so intelligent he may not be figuring out all the action-reaction sets he has been. ;)
Owen is not close to being his age, but maybe he is acting out because he feels like he doesn't get enough attention and by acting out he gets more attention. I am not saying you don't give him attention because I am sure you do, but babies do take a lot of time and he was used to being the only baby. I remember when my little brother was born, I just hated him because he took away all my time. Someone else said to not forget the positive reinforcement so that he still feels loved and still feels like he is getting good attention and not all bad.
I am sorry you are going through this, I know that I will someday and I am sure I will be asking for help too! Keep it up, you are an awesome mom! I look up to you!
yes we do still live in Logan. We'll probably be here the rest of our lives. I'm interested to see where this munchkin mushroom house is. I haven't heard of any job openings specifically, but I hear there's some giant cork board on campus that posts all sorts of job openings, maybe have her check that out. I'll keep my ears open and let you know. Oh and I don't have any parenting advice for you, but best of luck, I'm sure you'll think of something.
Lori, I don't know what kind of job she is looking for specifically, but Convergys is always hiring. She would probably be doing inbound customer service and/or technical support. They pay ok for Logan and have tuition reimbursment. Other than that, USU has an on/off campus job site that helped me get my job. Its wedsite is http://www.usu.edu/studemp/offcampus/jobboard.php
Then there is jobs.utah.gov
My mom used to have a 2X4 that she would hit me in the face with when I acted up. It worked but those were different times. I dont know what to tell you. Emery bit Cardon's foot the other day and then she bawled about it for seriously a week after. She is really tender hearted so I dont know what to tell you on your situation.
Hey I need Rory's E-mail and phone# again. I had his E--mail saved on my old work computer but I dont work there anymore, and I changed phones and lost his #.
We lock Landon in the basement, one hour per year of age. Seems to work for us! Oh, and he doesn't act out near as much as he used to.
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